No matter how loving a family is, all families go through conflict. Family conflict is different from other types of conflict for several reasons. First, family members are already highly emotionally attached. These emotions can quickly intensify conflict. Second, family members are involved in long-term relationships and often are required to interact with each other daily. Finally, families are often insular, obeying their own rules and resisting outside interference. These characteristics can lead to long, tangled, painful conflicts. At one extreme, family conflict can lead to things like divorce or domestic violence. At the other, families try to repress conflict, avoiding problems and detaching from each other.
For example, an unplanned pregnancy, a divorce, the loss of a loved one, unemployment, child protective services investigations, incarceration, addictions, or domestic violence are often crisis-producing.
Toxic family dynamics refer to unhealthy family relationships characterised by harmful behaviours, poor interactions, and ineffective conflict management. Unhealthy family dynamics include signs such as: Lack of boundaries and empathy. Lack of personal space and privacy. Constant conflicts, hostility, and aggression.
Conflict management
How can you manage conflict in your family?
Disagreeing now and then is a normal part of family life. Sharing your feelings—and your frustrations—is important even if it sometimes causes an argument. And avoiding all conflict can be unhealthy for relationships.
But arguing all the time—with your partner or other family members—can be harmful for your kids and the family. So it’s important to be careful about how you deal with conflict in your family. You can learn to disagree in respectful, constructive ways.
Mithuru Piyasa of the Ministry of Health
The Ministry of Health has over 100 centres whose aims are-provide a safe haven- Provide immediate access to safety & services. (Through counselling), build stable & independent lives, Addresses physical and emotional needs of children and break the cycle of domestic violence.
The Bureau for the Prevention of Abuse of Children and Women of the Police investigates and prevents crimes against children and women and any type of violence, sexual violence, domestic violence, child insecurity, child labour, cruelty to children, etc. against them.
Family Court jurisdiction
Every Family Court has a Court of record and has sole original jurisdiction in respect of matrimonial disputes, actions for divorce, nullity and separation, damages for adultery, claims for alimony, disputes between spouses, parents and children as to matrimonial property, custody of minor children, dependants’ claims, guardianship and curatorship matters, claims in respect of declaration of legitimacy and, illegitimacy and marriage, adoption and applications for amendment of birth registration entries, claims for seduction and breach of promise of marriage and such other matters provided for by any other written law. Each of the Courts have a Family Counsellor. Their role includes where a dispute in any action in respect of any matter within the jurisdiction of a Family Court, or any application for maintenance, comes up for inquiry or trial before a District Judge, Judge of the Family Court or Magistrate, as the case may be, such District Judge, Judge of the Family Court or Magistrate shall, unless any party to the action expresses in writing a desire to the contrary, refer such dispute to a Family Counsellor, who shall- (a) make every effort to induce the parties to settle such dispute; and (b) submit his report thereon to the District Judge, Judge of the Family Court or Magistrate as the case may be, within such time as may be specified by such District Judge, Judge of the Family Court or Magistrate. (3) Where any dispute is settled, the terms of settlement shall be entered, signed by each party to the dispute and the Family Counsellor, and be forwarded to the District Judge, Judge of the Family Court or Magistrate as the case may be who shall enter such terms of settlement as a decree of such Court.
Women’s Well-being Survey (WWS)
In 2019, the Department of Census and Statistics conducted the first dedicated national prevalence survey on violence against women and the first using the WHO methodology. Known as the Women’s Well-being Survey (WWS) it covered all 25 districts in Sri Lanka and interviewed more than 2,200 women aged 15 and above.
Partner sexual violence is also more prevalent than non-partner sexual violence although the gap is not as large as for physical violence. 24.9% of women have experienced physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence. 18.8% of women who have been in a relationship have experienced some form of physical and/or sexual violence by their intimate partner in their lifetime.
It found that violence against women is often perpetrated by those closest to them. Women in Sri Lanka are more than twice as likely to have experienced physical violence by a partner in her lifetime (17.4%) rather than by anybody else (7.2%). Sexual violence by a partner is also more prevalent than sexual violence by a non-partner (6.2% compared to 4.1% in her lifetime).
The most reported form of partner violence was controlling behaviours (19.1% of women in lifetime and 9.9% in the last 12 months). The survey findings suggest that domestic violence against women has a considerable negative impact on children. Risk factor analysis found that if the woman or her partner lived in a violent household as a child, she had a significantly higher risk of partner violence. The strongest risk for violence was for women with partners that used alcohol, fought with other men, and had extramarital relationships.
The behaviour and performance at school differed between children of women who experienced physical and/or sexual partner violence and those of women who did not experience such violence. For example, women with school age children who had experienced physical or sexual partner violence were more likely to report their children had nightmares (21.2%) than women who had no physical or sexual partner violence (11.8%). Women who experienced violence by a partner were also more likely to have a child who dropped out of school (4.5%) compared with women who never experienced violence (1.7%). More than 60% of women with school age children who had experienced physical partner violence said that their children witnessed or overheard the violence.
Runs in families
Further women who experience violence were more likely to report they and/or their partner grew up in a violent home. This shows that violence “runs in families”, or rather, is learned from copying what was seen in childhood. This can be seen as intergenerational aspects of violence.The strongest associations were found with the woman’s partner’s behavioural characteristics: partner alcohol use, fighting with other men, and extramarital relationships were significantly associated with higher violence.
At the individual level, women’s higher age was associated with lower risk of violence. Conversely, women were likely to be more at risk if they had other experiences with violence (non-partner physical violence and unwanted, forced or coerced first sex). Exposure to violence as a child was also significantly associated with women’s risk of violence. More women who had a violent partner said their partners had grown up in a home with violence than women who had not experienced violence by a partner.
The rate of suicides and attempted suicides is notably high in some areas.However, psychiatric counselling and treatment services are severely limited due to a shortage of consultant psychiatrists and dedicated staff. Attempted suicide graduates at times to suicide with time. The vulnerable population requires active follow-up, a practice that is often lacking. Additionally, awareness programmes are infrequent or rare due to limited manpower.
In each of the examples highlighted conflicts occur in families.
This writer calls for Mithuru Piyasa to maintain a registry for follow up with case records and provide assistance for their livelihood development. For the Police to inform when disputes are reported. Social services staff too must play an active role in close collaboration with Mithuru Piyasa. Vulnerable children require active follow-ups for the child’s well-being. Where Courts direct to Counsellors follow up should be by the registry. There must be frequent reviews of the child’s well-being activities carried out by relevant authorities. Data on school dropouts and drug users should be collected. This will help in monitoring them and directing them to appropriate job opportunities and counselling services. Ultimately, ideally combined case management and regular reviews are essential.
Jeevan Thiagarajah
