Time was when short pants were considered outerwear only to be worn by juvenile schoolboys. Grown men did not wear shorts to avoid looking immature. As students in primary school we wore well-tailored shorts that were considered modish considering the harshly restrictive dress code. You see, we were not given a choice. But nonetheless it didn’t mean we would have to look adolescent and sloppy like so many adult men forced to wear ballooning long shorts that made them look like blown up rubber effigies.
Back in the ’70s and ’80s, wanton abandon not only pervaded the catwalks, but also the length of athletic shorts. Take the then tennis circuit for instance with the likes of Jimmy Connors, Bjorn Borg, John McEnroe, Pat Cash and others who all donned short shorts with the exception of woman player Chris Evert who was togged out in fashionably designed mini- skirts.
Of course, athletic uniforms must be designed for performance, but like all clothing, they have also been affected by the styles of the times. And indeed, an analysis of World Cup soccer shorts over time shows that soccer kits reflected the rising and falling of women’s hemlines. That is why any soccer coach will tell you why women’s soccer teams in this neck of the woods are so rare. They claim that it’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
Soccer legends such as Pele and Diego Maradona mostly wore comfy short nether garments that allowed them free ball play, facilitating their mobility of breaking away from defenders and running loose with the speed and dexterity of forked lightning. They were maestros of the swivel and the dribble and could twist, turn and slither their way through the most formidable defenders as they found the net with astounding regularity.
And they were able to bob, weave and nip in and score because their shorts were functional and as daringly hem-lined as their deeds.
The fashion then was such that shorts gave athletes the cloth space in which to run without any impediments. But these weren’t just hemmed for business with inseams of up to two inches.
They were party-length, giving these virile showmen plenty of legroom to play to the crowd. At one time in history, everyone agreed that the shorter the shorts, the manlier the man. In the 60s and 70s, shorts of all kinds lived up to their name. For the ladies there were hot pants and Daisy Dukes and just all-around thigh exposing shortness. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your persuasion, men’s shorts could be every bit as revealing as the ladies’.
These days, I don’t think you could call what professional athletes wear as shorts. Anything that hovers at or falls below the knee is not a short, it’s what they call a ‘shant’, meaning a short pant that shan’t be a short, nor a pant. Now they appear to have taken this style over function thing too far. With all the new fabric technology, one would think these modern ‘socceroos’ would seek out the most aerodynamic apparel available. Less, in this case, is more. All that extra fabric has become like an albatross around their legs and it’s not helping their game on or off the arenas.
In the sphere of off the field men’s fashions cargo pocketed shorts are the single worst item a man can wear anywhere. Recently there’s been a backlash against cargo shorts. Yes, I am willing to go that far. I feel that strongly about it. The first issue is this: A gentleman does not wear shorts that cover the knees. Some claim a gentleman never wears shorts at all. We wouldn’t go that far, but if you’re covering your knees, you’re not bold enough to be a man in shorts in the first place. Always one for existential questions I have this to ask: Are they long short pants or short long pants? What started out as a staple of military clothing became a trend that saw its peak in the late 1990s and early 2000s. People who wear them look like they smell bad too.
Mostly all cargo shorts are at least 11 inches long or longer which will cover the knees, creating a silly imbalanced look that pretty much ruins the whole point of wearing shorts to begin with.
The second issue is the actual disgusting cargo pockets that hang at the side of the too-long short leg. What the heck are you putting in those pockets? You’re not a carpenter or a maintenance guy. You don’t need space for a screwdriver, a spanner or a hammer. If you think you need those pockets, let me ask you this: Why is a four-pocket jean fine most of the time but a four-pocket short isn’t? Exactly! If you’re still looking for places to keep extra items, there’s always the possibility of carrying a bag with you. You know, like everyone else.
If the only issue was a few extra pockets, that would be one thing. But unfortunately, the extra pockets add considerable weight and bulk to these heavy fabric shorts, dragging them down even further from your hips.
As you must be aware by now I’m no fan of the ultra-long baggy ‘shorts’ of the past couple of decades. However, I will compromise for a happy medium. Men’s shorts are best in moderation and there is a time and place for them. For instance somewhere between the current clown sized shorts and the thigh-high short-shorts of the seventies and better part of the eighties.
When will you males realise shorts aren’t really acceptable as serious clothing? Basically they are suitable wear for the beach club. What I mean is, you can’t wear shorts to work unless you are a tuk-tuk driver or road sweeper.
If you go to a nice restaurant, don’t wear shorts. Maybe I’ve just been conditioned to view normal pants as serious and shorts as way too casual. I don’t know, they just don’t feel very grown up apparel. But there is always a risk inherent with wearing shorts.
And who’s to say you’re not vulnerable? If you wear shorts, then make darn sure you wear proper ‘undies.’ Otherwise, one false move such as cocking up a leg may provide you with a whiff of fresh air. Worse still, unmentionable appendages may start spilling out in an unsightly mess that can scare the kids. But don’t get too comfortable. Fashion is cyclical. What now is hidden may once again rear its ugly head.
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