Old fool naturals pool assets for a naughty romp with a whomp! | Daily News

Old fool naturals pool assets for a naughty romp with a whomp!

As far as I can remember, I have never been out of sorts with good old Mother Nature. I have had, however, some issues with Father Time. I wish, for example, he would take a vacation. Really, all that marching on must be quite tiresome for the old duffer. Some believe that Father Time really is married to Mother Nature. Others say they’re partners. It all depends on your age. Either way, Father Time is a bent-over, bearded old man dressed in a robe with a time-keeping device and a staff or scythe (to kill time?).

But I still harbour a sneaky suspicion that Mother Nature and Father Time are working hand in hand. To be quite honest I believe they are in cahoots. Father Time has a paternal nature, hence the name ‘father’, about him that reminds people of the motherly nature of Mother Nature. Because of this, people have often imagined the two as married.

For all of us middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature. And of course there is nowhere to run. Of course some men talk of killing time, not realising that it is time that quietly kills them.

My old mate Surrchepps refuses to believe they have tied themselves up in nuptial knots. He says: “ No, they are not married - at least, not to each other. But every now and then Father Time gives Mother Nature a little tick or possibly a tickle.” In contrast to Father Time, Mother Earth is young, sexy, and covered in flowers, greens, and other natural delights. Is she Father Time’s trophy wife? Is Father Time her sugar daddy?

But what worries me more is when the Old Scratcher begins playing Life Snatcher. And my Yankee Doodle amigo from Waco Texas with the wacky name of Crockett Cameron holds a loyal brief for Mother Nature. Says he: “She is the revered lady who gave us all life. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with her. Unfortunately, she married the old sidewinder Father Time. Now Father Time is the dirty old bushwhacker who makes us old, feeble, and then dead. He’s also responsible for what causes violence in creatures that was his hidden lifestyle. Oh, he is quite the masochist.

“Now, I also think that Father Time had an affair - he slept around and his favourite bit of fluff was Satanini, who as we all know is Satan’s sister. Which sort of makes sense when you think about it. But don’t blame Mother Nature, she is just too pure to be reckoned with. Well, almost. But you know, some chicks just prefer jerks.”

Now I am not the type of person to converse much about the weather, but what was up with Mother Nature this past year in Sri Lanka Do you realise that we have had a compound of blistering droughts, bucketing rainfall and a sort of wintry mix of cold snaps and ground frost in the verdant high sierras. It all goes to prove that Mother Nature definitely has a humorous side. And to prove it she seemed to have a last minute blast from Old Man Winter in the Hill Country as well. It would appear that Mother Nature and Old Man Winter definitely have a thing going on.

No one can predict the whimsical ways of the weather gods when let off the leash by Mother Nature. The deities who control the environment are capricious. Our tropical island is overwhelmingly reliant on monsoon rains for its agriculture, domestic water consumption, irrigation and power supply for its national grid. For many years now the nation has been fortunate in managing to overcome a crisis of serious proportions as had been experienced a decade ago.

When especially erratic seasonal torrential rains refused to burst out of the clouds and fill the hydro catchment areas another power crisis is inevitable. The unpredictable climatic changes can emerge anytime. We burned and were thirsting. A blistering drought induced by the delayed south west monsoon seriously affected our agricultural sector. The scorching dry spell destroyed paddy, vegetable and other crop cultivations. And then the clouds opened up and we experienced a deluge that caused floods and landslides and submerged cultivations. What a contrasting combination of weather patterns. At one time we were bone dry hot and bothered and then the heavens opened up and there was an abundance of showers. Then all of a sudden in the highlands we were freezing our blossoms off. Literally!

Some who think they are more perceptive than most of us imagine that meetings are events invented by Father Time in which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

We all know that Mother Nature can be destructive. Even during the secessionist war the thing that a lot of people could not comprehend was why Mother Nature didn’t have a bullet with their name on it. But as my friend Surchepps suggests that she has thousands of bullets inscribed with the ‘to whom it may concern’ label.

The most dangerous thing you could do when unable to cope with these unrelenting parents is to request a time out. You know you can’t fool either of them. For all of us I suppose middle and old age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature. I like Mother Nature best during this period particularly in this neck of the woods when she blows her balmy breezes across our tropical little universe and colours the foliage. That’s when Mother Nature is happy to flick up her skirts and show everyone her red and gold undergarments.

I am personally aware of the story of the young gold digging woman who believed firmly in the old adage that every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away. The ambitious woman was notorious for cultivating intimate relationships with elite corporate sugar daddies. She finally summed up enough courage to propose marriage to a 90-year- old decrepit lecher with oodles of ‘moolah.’

She even suggested: “We might even have some children!” The old tycoon replied: “Oh, no, my parents won’t let me.” Stunned the woman queried: “What do you mean Who are your parents?”

He replied, “Mother Nature and Father Time!”

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