Everyone is aware that names are sometimes randomly forced on children. And I am talking about real names, not pet names or nicknames. Parents should be aware of the likelihood for potential embarrassment before thrusting monikers on kids with unusual or bizarre names. In many cases parents do not reflect on the repercussions arising from peculiar names that could make children a target of abuse and derision for the rest of their lives.
Be aware that many Sri Lankan parents through the years have been naming their kids with all kinds of normal anglo-saxon appellatives that are mangled in the local nomenclature. For instance, my former colleague Kirthie Abeyesekera once regaled us with the story about an aunt named Alan.
He questioned her on several occasions whether her actual name was Helen or Ellen. But she vociferously rebutted his logical conclusion that Alan was a name usually reserved for the males of the species. Despite his arguments to the contrary Alan it was and Alan it remained even when he had to pen her newspaper obituary.
Now all those lads dubbed Kingsley in Sri Lanka, have often had their monikers jumbled in the Sinhala articulation which was intoned as ‘Kinisley’ or ‘Kinsily’. Take Sean Connery for example, the first thespian to play the role of the rugged James Bond. Many Sri Lankans at the time pronounced the name as “Seen’ when it should have been ‘Shawn’. And who the devil could have blamed them when the spelling did not match its Celtic pronunciation.
Take Worcestershire for instance. Now for sure this one is not a child’s name , although it is one of the most hotly debated. Most British people will tell you to just say ‘Woo-stah’ and drop the ‘shire’ on the end, especially if you’re talking about the famous Worcestershire sauce. Don’t be fooled by the ‘ces’ in the middle. It doesn’t really do anything, kind of like that mysterious light switch on your wall or your pet goldfish. If you can say ‘Worcester,’ I have faith that you can figure out how to pronounce its English cousin.
Just as Gloucester is pronounced Gloster. Don’t blame the English, blame the Romans, and every other occupiers of the country in the Dark Ages. And never attempt to address people named Menzies unless you are sure of the right intonation, if you get what I mean. There were these twin brothers from a backwoods Sri Lankan village who were Christened Thomas and Tobias. When they transferred to the capital for their schooling their peers called them ‘Tommy’ and ‘Toby’ in the best English public school tradition.
But back in the village they were known as ‘Tomma’ and ‘Toba’. Then there was the Sri Lankan artist who worked for a magazine in Hong Kong. His wife soon joined him. No one knew her real name but everyone suspected it was something traditionally Sri Lankan ‘gamey-ish.’ So the artist chappie searched for a more suitable one and settled for the name ‘Sandhya’. As time went by the name kept changing until he hit on the westernized moniker of ‘Sandy.’
Some perfectly acceptable surnames could in certain circumstances be construed as hilarious. Many names are quite suitable until say, a girl with a perfectly ordinary moniker marries and as is customary goes under her husband’s surname. That is why I suspect a good many of them stick to their maiden names.
Nearly everyone of my vintage is aware of the story of a vivacious young nurse named Annette Jayamanne who attracted a great many suitors while she flitted around the Kandy Hospital performing her Nightingale duties. She finally accepted the hand of a personable young planter named Bevis Hill and left the nursing service. A month or so after the wedding, a former admirer, unaware of Annette’s marital status, called at the hospital with a bouquet of flowers.
An attendant at the Kandy Hospital politely inquired from the young man as to whether he was visiting a patient. He replied that he was calling on the nurse, Miss Jayamanne. The know-all attendant informed him with a hilarious economy of words: “Jayamanne Missy thang mehe nehe. Jayamanne Missy giya maasay Hill una.”
On the flip side overseas I have come across some of the most uncanny real names that have made my head spin like a Murali doosra. I have worked in newsrooms that were peopled with names such as Barbara Dwyer, who we naturally called Barbed Wire, the horse racing correspondent in Singapore Russel Nales was nicknamed Rusty Nails.
Many Chinese people are bent on giving themselves an English name. But have you noticed many of them choose some of the really weird ones. Take the name “Jackie”. I personally know five people with this name, three male and two females. I know another girl named ‘Ricky’. I also know a woman who calls herself ‘Bobby’. There are other females who favour monikers such as ‘Sincere,’ ‘Winkie,’ ‘Pinky’ ‘Dinkie’ and ‘Dickie.’ The names of some of the men I knew included ‘Cathedral’, ‘Timbo’, ‘Champers,’ ‘Dodgy,’ ‘Magnum’ and ‘Donga!’
Even many Westerners think nothing of going by their unusual names. A news reporter named Christine Cross, became quite cross when her colleagues referred to her as Chris Cross. Another was an attractive Canadian named Seymour Legge (See More Leg).
Among my favourite students I encountered in Hong Kong as a visiting university lecturer in journalism, was a set of cute triplets named Faith, Hope and Charisma.
There was also a schoolmate named Harry Balls, who we wickedly nicknamed “Rambuttan”. If you are the type who fancies going by your first name initials, do so by all means. But be warned that fame, or possibly notoriety, is often known to have followed many an intriguing name or suggestive credential. You have to have vision before tagging on initials that may prove inordinately indelicate even in the future.
There was a schoolmate with the initials S. H. G. U. N. Kodipilli who was unkindly nicknamed ‘Shotgun.’ In a classic son-of- a-gun saga his first born was conferred the dubious appellation of “Popgun.”
Again for instance, if your first name initials happen to read something such as A. C. you will have no problems for yourself initially, except for being inanely referred to as ‘Air-Con’, which when you come to think of it isn’t too bad when considering the alternatives. But imagine the predicament your son would have to face when everyone you know begin addressing him as a son-of- an-aircon, or worse still, ‘AC Gey Putha!’
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